i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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