Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
