They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
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I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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