I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
