oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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