what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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