I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
