I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
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I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?