I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.