"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
