Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
