Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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