The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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