I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
