i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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