My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
