Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how hot balto sounded
two words: eviction party
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize