Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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