How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
