FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
