He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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