i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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