so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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