I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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