Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
