That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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