You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
