What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
