My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
