i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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