New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
