we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
