I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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