Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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