I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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