bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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