I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
