ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
