why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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