i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
