seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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