Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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