He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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