Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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