you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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