So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
