I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
