Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
