Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
