If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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