her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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