Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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