in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
