im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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