There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
