It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My ass is underappreciated
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
