I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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