Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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