Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
