does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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