she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
