next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
