Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
