I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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