You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
