census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
